Thursday Sept 26 "The Anxious Generation"

A WonderWomen discussion of this book (a #1 NYTimes bestseller) seems almost crucial.

After more than a decade of stability or improvement, the mental health of adolescents plunged in the early 2010s. Rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide rose sharply, more than doubling on many measures. The US used to have a play-based childhood, and now we have a “phone-based” childhood that arrived between 2010-2015. This book places smartphones and social media squarely in the crosshairs as the cause of this mental health nightmare. The end of the book includes 4 simple "norms" to help lift us from this collective mental health plunge- "4 norms" recommended, the first 3 have to do with kids' phones which he calls "experience blockers" - love this term : 1) wait until high school for smartphones (flip phones, watches, etc are fine), 2) wait until 16 yo for social media/IG/TikTok so that our kids don't go through puberty on social media, 3) a major push to have phone-free schools, and importantly 4) more independence, free-play, and responsibility in the real world.

He makes a strong argument to let kids have more unsupervised time with friends, allow risky play, and really encourage/allow anything (maybe not anything ha) they are doing in person with friends because in-person social time is dwindling so dramatically. He also encourages the imperative concept of “collective action” where groups of parents band together so kids are not left isolated as the only one without a smartphone. He also recommends Federal laws (ex need for identity/age verification for kids online which will prevent access to porn- now easily accessible to kids of any age), and he focuses on the dramatic rise in mental illness (particularly anxiety for girls related to social media) and porn/video games/screen time/loss of in-person play for boys.

Anxious Gen Discussion Recap:

- We as parents are anxious ABOUT "The Anxious Generation", ie Gen Z (kids born between 1998-2012.) There is a tremendous amount of collective anxiety around this topic (i.e. our kids, their devices, the trend of overprotecting them in the real world, and how this whole concoction impacts their childhoods/their mental health and their long term development.) Some group members could not even bring themselves to attend the event because they feel they've "already failed their kids" when it comes to devices/rules/etc.  We discussed how very sad this is and how much pressure we put on ourselves as mothers. Throughout the night there was a lot of use of words like failure around this topic - We need to give ourselves grace, we need to give ourselves a freaking break, we are all doing the best we can.

- There is no way to go back in time and take devices away. This frankly is not the point of the book at all - but reading the author's "4 social norms" regarding appropriate age recommendations makes people panic when their kids are well beyond the suggested ages for smartphones/social media accounts/etc. 

- Phone Free Schools movement - one WonderWomen is going to be an ambassador in this movement to get phones out of schools, this is a topic sweeping the nation and NC as we speak. "First Bell to Last Bell" is the goal of the movement. Many schools say they are phone free but this is hard to police, rules vary widely, kids are still on phones between classes/lunch/etc. 

 
- In the words of Jonathan Haidt, "We are overprotecting our children in the real world and under protecting them online." We need to be giving our kids much more independence at younger ages. And not hovering over them all the time. And not protecting them from small failures, bumps in the road. "Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child." This is one of the main themes of Haidt's prior book, The Coddling of the American Mind - also an excellent read.

 
- Rules around devices need to be customized depending on the child- are they struggling with body image? Do they have an eating disorder? Are they having trouble focusing? Or are they struggling to manage their time? If so, they need more stringent rules. It is not a "one size fits all" rule around devices.

- Haidt calls phones "experience blockers", kids are online an average of 9 hours a day, and 46% report being online "almost constantly." Even if they have no mental health issues, they are losing other experiences, they are losing boredom which leads to creativity. 

- If you have young kids and don't have devices yet, consider Apple Watches when they reach 11/12 or what feels right for your family (not to mention what you can afford, these things are freaking expensive) - If you can swing it, it may buy you a few years before phones are needed - kids can text and call but there is no internet access. The watches can allow more independence out riding bikes, connecting with friends, etc, but have zero "hook" quality of smartphones. 

- We need to give ourselves grace (this was repeated throughout the night, I cannot stress this enough), we need to be open and vulnerable with each other when our kids are struggling- it will help everyone to share these hard parts of our lives.

- One therapist shared that she believes that mental health spike is related to the changes in the new DSM criteria (changed in 2013) and also the fact that kids now openly talk about their symptoms and that there are many great aspects of social media - keeping kids connected, etc.

- A college professor reported that no matter the underlying cause, her college students lack resilience, and their parents are trying to access their daily college grades and coursework. These parents of college kids are simply overly involved in every aspect of their kids' lives. Her students are having panic attacks, vomiting before tests and taking medical leaves of absence due to anxiety. She offered some great advice for parenting. "Don't be a snowplow, be a lighthouse."

- Time for kids in person with friends is down 65% since 2010 - so try not to block their friend time. Encourage anything that your kids are doing in person with friends, and this even includes phone calls and FaceTime - anything "live." They need to get into conflict, get into trouble, get into arguments, make games with their own rules, piss each other off, be a jerk to their friends and learn from it, get jerked around and learn from that. I am ad-libbing the convo and Haidt here, but you get the vibe :) 

- A pediatrician said she thinks that COVID is as much to blame for issues of anxiety and depression, and downfall of grades. She cited the American Academy of Pediatrics "5C's" mnemonic for media usage: "Child, Content, Calm, Crowding Out, and Communication." 

Child- Focus on the child and on their specific needs

Content - what sites are they on, is there violence, what are they texting - she advocates reading all of their messages, etc

Calm - Do they have other ways to calm themselves that are not screen-related?

Crowding Out - are screenings "crowding out" other activities like outdoor time, sleep, time with friends, reading books.

Communication - talk about media early and often with your kids of all ages

- We as parents need to be a better example with our own phone usage. We need to check ourselves. This is really hard, work is on phones, life is on phones, we chill on phones, etc. But take a look at your own phone usage and make some changes if you want your kids to do the same.

- A school nurse said she has seen a rise in stomach aches, headaches, and kids who panic at any sign of hardship. She offered a tree analogy - Kids are like trees. Trees need wind to grow deep roots, otherwise they fall over like the trees in the Biosphere - collapsed before they matured due to no wind while growing. We should not protect our kids from "wind"/hardship/minor setbacks - they need these to learn to thrive in the real world. Kids literally need to face risk, only then do they learn how to not get hurt. "Learning how to navigate risk is the path to adulthood" - Haidt

- Broken bones are so down for boys that now teenage boys break less bones than 50 yo men! We don't want broken bones but we do want kids being active in the real world!

- There were multiple very open and vulnerable stories of WonderWomen with kids who have eating disorders, anxiety issues, fear of school shooters, mental health problems despite a life without much screens and lots of play time. One mother reminded us all -we certainly don't need to blame ourselves when our children have mental health issues. This is life, life is hard. Not everything is in our control. Shit is simply going to happen and we have to deal. Another said "Remember, your kids are not your report card."

- Device usage is hard in situations of divorce where it is much easier for kids to communicate with each parent rather than the biological parents communicating. Different sets of rules are needed. Again, can we give ourselves a break?

- Federal legislation is as much to blame as parents for the access our kids have to all kinds of horrible info -beheadings, cats in blenders, porn, there is truly no limit of what kids can witness from the portal in their pockets. We need Federal/state legislation that requires tech companies to enforce age verification/limited access to this crap certainly before age 13, and other rules/restrictions to help keep young kids off porn and other extreme sites - they can currently access these at the drop of a hat simply by lying about their age. A Swedish study found 25% of 12th grader boys were "daily porn users" and studies show avid porn watching leads to less sexual satisfaction and is associated with lower interpersonal satisfaction. Haidt says "immersing boys in an infinite playlist of hardcore porn videos during the sensitive period in which the sexual centers of their brains are being rewired is maybe not so good for their sexual and romantic development, or for their future partners."

- Finally, we all need to remember that we are doing our absolute best as parents, our children are resilient, we are resilient, we are all one big work in progress. I love this Dan Gilbert quote: “Human beings are works in progress who mistakenly think they are finished.”

- I enjoyed this recent NYTimes article: "Parents Should Ignore Their Children More Often" 

“The Unfiltered Enneagram” with author Elizabeth Orr ~April ‘24

Local author, Liz Orr (Associate University Chaplain for Spiritual Formation at WFU) discussed her new release, "The Unfiltered Enneagram" with our group about the shadow side of the Enneagram types. Liz (self-described as a Type Eight with a full contact sport sense of humor) not only helped us all laugh at ourselves as she dove into the darkness of each type, but even more adeptly, she guided us down a path toward greater self-awareness and compassion. The book (and her wonderful talk) "offers practical strategies for liberating yourself from your own garbage. It’s a humorous, no-frills reckoning with our shadow side—the ways we cope with stress or fear—that unlocks the life-changing wisdom of this popular personality typology system. Readers will discover that courageously and comically acknowledging the worst attributes of their Enneagram Type can bring out the best in themselves."
Elizabeth Orr's bio

Barbie Night ~Feb ‘24

We gathered and discussed the blockbuster “Barbie” movie and all the complexities of the film….

• Barbie's body: Most of those who played with Barbies felt little impact at the time as far as living up to her body type - we just used our imagination, many described her intricate relationships with other Barbies and other dolls. One person said she even had a Barbie with a degenerative neurological illness who could not get out of bed! Another remembered a great romance with a "Michael Jackson Ken" and another had many flings with GI Joes :) - However though we were not aware of it as kids, many agreed there was most likely a subconscious impact - she set this unrealistic ideal for a woman's body. Did you know if she were life-sized her waist would be 16 inches, smaller than her head? And she'd only have room for half a liver and a few inches of intestines? We felt as much influenced by characters like "Chrissy" on Threes Company and other TV shows.

• Barbie was apparently meant to show little girls that they could be anything - most agreed that we did not get this message from the line of dolls. And our memories were not of all the career Barbie's anyway, most Gen X women (and older) just played with Barbies in different outfits. We think the career Barbies were released later and now are sold to our own daughters' generations. So we did not get the "you can be anything" message.

• There were a lot of perspectives (all over the place) on America Fererra's actual speech - out of place in the movie/cheesy/repetitive/brilliant/beautiful/too heavy handed/ and yet the pervasive view was that the bulk of the message is 100% true. And we agreed that we impose many of these messages on ourselves ... we are not good enough, we need to be thin but not too thin and not say you want to be thin, you have to never grow old, never be rude, never get out of line, always be grateful, everything is your fault, we tie ourselves into knots so people will like us...  

• We discussed the whiteness of the movie - and of Barbie in general. We discussed how it is hard for little girls of color to see themselves in the original Barbie. Could Greta Gerwig have done more to address intersectionality? - black, trans women, etc. There were lots of supporting roles but we agreed it would be like trying to boil the ocean for the movie to take on more themes/goals/messages - there is just not enough time

• One of the most beautiful parts of the movie was Barbie's journey of becoming human. A few noticed that over the course of the movie, Margot Robbie's clothes and hair got progressively less "perfect" and fancy, her hair flatter, her clothes more plain. And that after you take an actual Barbie out of the box you can never put her back in the box - she's forever altered and no longer perfect. Kind of like being human. Have we accepted we are all just human?

• Wish we'd had more time to cover Ken and his journey - we did discuss ways that men and our sons have unrealistic expectations of their own in today's world. Are they "Kenough"? :) There is a lot for boys and men to relate to as they try to find their place in the world. 

• We loved that the ending was about Barbie becoming human and not about her walking away with Ken into the sunset - and loved the OBGYN appt at the end to really hammer home her humanness and vulnerability. 

Barbie Opening Scene

America Ferrera's speech

Bilie Eilish "What Was I Made For?" 

Sex Therapy Night ~Jan ‘24

Dr. Tom Murray, an international couples and sex therapist, spoke to our group in Jan 2024. He is a widely sought-after expert in the field of sexuality and intimate relationships. For 20 years he has worked with everyday folks to shed labels and shame, lean into anxiety, and build better and stronger relationships.

He is the author of a new book, "Making Nice with Naughty: An Intimacy Guide for the Rule-Following, Organized, Perfectionist, Practical, and Color-Within-the-Line Types." He has been featured in The Huffington Post, Women'sHealth, Men'sHealth, Insider, DailyMail.com, Fatherly, and many more.

"Dr. Cressent Pressly: Obesity and Weight Management"
WonderWomen Night
October 2023

Dr. Pressly spent over 17 years as a beloved Novant Health family medicine physician before becoming board certified as an obesity medicine specialist. In 2020, she transitioned to CoreLife Novant where she now helps patients achieve and maintain a healthy weight. As we are all aware, obesity rates in the US are at an all-time high with more than 42% of American adults being classified as obese (BMI> 30) as are nearly 20% of US children. Overweight numbers (BMI 25-29.9) in this country are absolutely staggering with 74% of adults and 32% of children considered to be overweight. 

Dr. Pressly focused on the science behind the disease of obesity (there was so much to learn here-for healthcare providers as well as everyone else!), and she shared insights on new weight loss drugs (oral meds and injections) and who they benefit. Dr. Pressly was accompanied by Paige Macauley, RD, Director of Dietetics at CoreLife, who addressed the keys to nutrition and lifestyle habits that lead to a healthy weight at every age. This was an enlightening evening for all attendees!!

"Obesity & Weight Management" Themes:

- Implicit weight bias is actually INCREASING with time whereas bias towards gender/race/sexuality are slowly decreasing - obese people make lower salaries, bias decreases the quality of their healthcare, obesity promotes avoidance of self-care, and has a profound psychological impact that actually makes gaining weight more likely. Bias/lower salaries are even more profound for women of color.

- Obesity is a disease. Many people - in medicine and otherwise - do not understand the disease of obesity.

- Obesity is a "chronic, progressive, relapsing, and treatable multi-factorial neurobehavioral disease, wherein an increase in body fat promotes adipose tissue dysfunction and abnormal fat mass physical forces, resulting in adverse metabolic, biomechanical, and psychosocial health consequences"

- 70% of obesity is related to genetics and there are 300 genes associated with obesity.

- Obesity rates are steadily increasing (42% of adults and 20% of kids in America). We are on track for the vast majority of all black and brown women to be obese by the 2030s.

- Sleeping less than 7 hours is associated with hormone changes that lead to weight gain

- There are COUNTLESS hormones that are related to obesity- many obese people having varying levels of these hormones that alter their satiety, hunger, and some create a food addiction - again, this is hardwired into their genes/their hormones/their body cell receptors 

- Obesity drugs have been around for decades, lots of press now on Ozempic and Wegovy (both are different formulations of exact same drug, semaglutide) and Mounjara due to social media. Very expensive weekly injections, many issues in getting insurance companies to cover these drugs - issues include BMI must be high enough, comorbidities must be present in some cases, etc. Need to remember there are other oral drugs that are very successful, including Metformin, bupropion, phentermine + topiramate to name a few. These are being overlooked in the frenzy around Ozempic/Wegovy/Mounjaro. Lots of side effects with these - nausea, gastroparesis, constipation, reflux, etc but patients are having such success (15% and even more of total body weight loss) that many don't seem to care about bad side effects. But there is no end to being on these drugs - you have to take them or else most gain the weight back.

- Likely bariatric surgical procedures (bypass/bands/sleeves) will be a thing of the past as these drugs will likely be as effective as surgery by the end of 2024.

- Concerns -will these drugs essentially only be available for those with high resources due to extreme expenses such that to boil it down - the "haves" can be thin and the "have nots" cannot afford them?

- Are some people (celebrities and others who can afford it?) on these drugs just to get thin and not using them for actual obesity?

- "Set point theory" - our bodies have a preset weight baseline that can be set when you spend 6-9 months at a certain weight. If you try to go below that weight, it is a continued fight to stay below your "set point." For example, if you lived for 9-12 months or whatnot at a higher weight postpartum, a set-point at that weight can be hard to tackle as our body wants to get back to that higher number. How fun is that?

- Many women gain about 1.5 lbs/year during their 30s/40s around menopause. It is very hard to resist this weight gain.

- Protein is so very important, we need to be eating MUCH more of it. In general, we suck at eating enough protein (my words not Paige's -ha). Side note Peter Attia has written/posted/podcasted a lot on this topic. Since "Outlive" I never ever go to a restaurant without ordering protein - meat/fish on salad/etc, and I have let go of being a pescetarian since it is just so hard to eat enough protein with so little time to think about it/meal plan/etc.

- Consider protein powder! Cressent puts it in her coffee in the morning :)

- Resistance training/weight lifting should be a non-negotiable part of working out for all of us women. It increases our muscle mass and since muscle mass steadily declines (it peaks ~ 30 yo,) this helps maintain healthy bones/muscle and also keep up our metabolism.

- Paige cited a study of a "Front-loaded" diet with high protein early in the day (think eggs, greek yogurt, peanut butter) and then light lunch and even smaller dinner - can lead to significantly more weight loss (11%) vs a diet with the EXACT same number of calories in reverse order (ie large dinner and light/no breakfast) (4% weight loss). Also regarding the order of foods in your day - low willpower at night/urges are created when you have not eaten much all day - and then likely we go for the straight refined sugar which gets in our bloodstream the fastest when we have been low on carbs during the day. Low calorie during the day leads to hunger/drive at night that's hard to resist.

- "Whole foods" are always better than ones that are cooked/processed - chewing actually burns calories as does rest of digestion of whole foods (vs apple juice is basically mainlining sugar). So whole fruits are better than smoothies, although smoothies are better than pancakes! 

- Intermittent fasting works for many but can be associated with loss of muscle mass/can be hard to get an adequate amount of protein with these diets.

- The only diets that work are the ones that are sustainable. A very low calorie diet may work short term but then will surely fail when you go off the unsustainable, restricted eating plan.

The Four Tendencies WonderWomen Night
Sept 2023

Discussion of "The Four Tendencies" by Gretchen Rubin
Link to 5 min author's overview video 
Quick Four Tendencies Quiz

Details: While investigating human nature for her previous books (The Happiness Project, Happier at Home, Better than Before,...), Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the simple question “How do I respond to expectations?” we can gain tremendous self-knowledge. She discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our "Tendency" explains why we act and why we don't act, and the framework centers on how we respond to outer and inner expectations - i.e. the expectations of ourselves and those of others. She outlines how understanding this framework lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively.

This was one of the most fun WonderWomen events in recent history - we divided into small groups by “tendency” and shared themes together at the end. Notes from our evening together ….

Obligers (41% of population and about 60% of women who attended the event)

The struggle for these folks is the constant pleasing/attending to others needs. Leaves us burned out, can leave us resentful. We discussed being there for others and often feeling that others don't do the same for us. Is this because we don't allow them to be? Do we pretend to be fine? Do we focus on other's needs so much that it appears we don't have any? One attendee carpools a friend's child to/from an entirely different school. Would a non-Obliger do this so willingly? We are always the ones putting the toilet paper on the roll. Some spouses of Obligers don't even know where tissue boxes are stored - why? Obliger is always on it. Do we then enable our family members and colleagues? Are we part of the problem we then resent? We do much better with accountability - work/habits/exercise/you name it. One professor said she realized she was not getting to one project because it was hers alone - so basically she was doing only projects of everyone else's. Once she had accountability from a colleague she could finally find the time for it. We feel the frustration of our tendency more than others feel it. We need folks to help us not take on too much. Otherwise we will hit "Obliger Rebellion" and do things out of character - say "no" all of the sudden, become filled with rage - this was a term one group identified with! Which is entirely out of character for us most of the time. We have pride in being helpful, though. 

Questioners

Rarely swayed by peer pressure as kids - I mean why would others have such a profound impact? Questioners have already thought things through and made their own decisions. They have considered all sides and made up their own minds. Can be hard to parent Q

Questioner teenager - they have a reason for everything they are doing and are happy to tell you their "why". Questioners have a weird hatred of waiting in line, love things to be efficient, love data/spreadsheets/info/often source of knowledge for others. Love understanding issues in great depth. When they make up their minds about the right course of action, they follow through without much difficulty. From the book "They have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels." They can be puzzled by others' willingness to act without sound reasons.They love making up their own minds, even when given “expert” advice. Some experience "analysis-paralysis" (about half of the questioner attendees experience some form of this.) Questioner kids can find it hard to complete what they feel is unnecessary busywork and they may act in ways that make them look uncooperative. In general, most Questioners are content with their tendency - interestingly they often don't see all of their questioning as a pattern but as a typical response to the world. 

Upholders

Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations - they love checking things off a list and getting things done. People tell them they are too hard on themselves, but they actually love a consistent routine and setting high expectations and standards for themselves.  If you work with or live with an upholder - know they don’t need a lot of scrutiny or supervision. They often find the person they can rely on most in this world is often themselves. They can struggle with non-Upholders (especially Rebels and Questioners) who do not care as much about external expectations. This can be especially true in work environments but also in home life since Upholders are so reliable/consistent/accountable.They think "why is it so hard for others to meet expectations?" Some Upholder attendees found some validation hearing that other Upholders exhibit the "tightening" instinct - i.e. that they get even more strict/routine-oriented under stress and it can become harder and harder for them to make an exception, take a break, or lighten up. Such validation hearing you are not alone.

Rebels

Rarest of the 4 types. (To hear the Rebel's summary, for me, as an Obliger, it was like hearing the inner dialogue of someone from Mars and at the same time it made me incredibly jealous. It sounds very freeing to be a Rebel. I wish I had a better way to describe my response, but there you have it.) Rebels resist both inner and outer expectations and are motivated by present desire. They do what they WANT to do. This can mean making incredible grades or playing a D1 sport or whatever the goal, but they must WANT it. They are doing it for no one else. Many experience "Rebel resistance" and want to do the opposite of what someone tells them to do. A great way to make them go out in college, tell them they should not go out. They are eager to break with “how things have always been done” and experiment. They are very authentic, they are very much in touch with what they want. They live very much in the present. There is power and paradox in the Rebel tendency - they do not like to be controlled (understatement) but they very much like being in control - they are often leaders/happy to tell others what needs to be done. They are very motivated by freedom and choice. Rebel always wants to think “This is my idea” and they respond best to a sequence of information, consequences, and choice. It’s best to always allow them to choose – with no lecturing, hovering, micromanaging or rescue. Some Rebels ironically surround themselves with structure because they either know they need it or they love to war against it. They love a deep sense of purpose. They like finding something big enough to deserve all their energy and devotion.

"The Hidden History of Breast Cancer" 

May 2023

This evening was an incredible lecture given by Dr. Stacy Wentworth, a practicing radiation oncologist at Atrium/Wake Forest Baptist Med Center where her clinical work is devoted to caring for cancer patients and their families. She is currently working on her first book, a work of nonfiction about the phenomenal Dr. Bernard Fisher who shaped nearly everything we know about modern breast cancer treatment. His story is straight off the pages of ones like Hidden Figures and The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. His life was one of advocacy in the name of science on behalf of and alongside women. He was a model for all of us who care about and for women. Stacy covered the incredible, untold story of breast cancer diagnosis/treatment/and care, and described the life of Dr. Fisher whose life was dedicated to treating this disease.

Our evening with Stacy ignited so much discussion and reflection on women’s health and women’s rights, and it was equally empowering to witness her commitment to this subject she is so passionate about. A gem of a person, this was a priceless evening with Dr. Wentworth.

"Dara Kurtz: How to Find More Happiness & Joy While Overcoming Adversity"

April 2023

After being diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of forty-two, Dara left her twenty-year career as a financial advisor to focus on writing and speaking. Today her personal blog, Crazy Perfect Life (www.crazyperfectlife.com), reaches over 200,000 followers. Dara is the author of I am My Mother’s Daughter: Wisdom on Life, Loss, and Love, Living with Gratitude: A Daily Write-In Journal, and Crush Cancer. She’s been a guest on over 60 podcasts/TV/Radio shows and is an international speaker.

We had a beautiful spring night with Dara where she shared her life experiences and gave us all kinds of advice and insights to help us strengthen our own relationships and create more happiness and joy in our everyday lives.

“Mindfulness” Recap of the evening:

• Mindfulness is becoming familiar with curiosity. It is a way of being. It is "paying attention to the now."

• Mindfulness is a GPS to the present moment. (If you are feeling stressed/overwhelmed/running thoughts, pretend you have never been to your current surroundings, notice the place in a new way like you are traveling in a foreign land. Sights/sounds/smells will bring you to the present)

• Mindfulness is moment by moment awareness of the present.

• Mindfulness is knowing our own experience.

• Think of the difference between mindfulness and meditation as the same as physical fitness and exercise. Mindfulness (like physical fitness) is the result of the hard work of meditation (and other practices) just like building muscles/lifting weights/cardio results in us being physically fit. There is a long build up to mindfulness. This does not happen overnight. Note that meditation is not always relaxing. It can be, but sometimes meditation is actually really hard.

• “Hearts beat. Lungs breathe. Minds Think” (say that to yourself a few times) The point, of course, is you cannot stop your mind from thinking. And importantly, meditation is NOT about stopping thinking. It is NOT about getting rid of your thoughts and having a blank mind. And know that everyone’s mind races when they first start meditating.

• Meditation can be more than just sitting still - it can be moving meditation like meditative walking/yoga.

• Mindfulness is not about being smiley and happy and bumbling through life in some delirious happy state. Instead, mindfulness is about becoming familiar with the full experience of being human. It is about experiencing the full spectrum of emotions. It can enhance religious practice.

• There is a “Window of Tolerance” we have- it's fluid and shifting based on our frame of mind/stress level/how many loads of laundry we have done in 24 hours (ha). Meghan’s great slide is attached -it gives a wonderful visual of this. Mindfulness can expand our window of tolerance. Stress and trauma shrink our window i.e. some days we are thrown off by the slightest annoyance because our window of tolerance is so small due to too much stress (or even me without enough sleep! I think my window of tolerance is a narrow slit on those days simply due to lack of sleep.)

• Recommended book “Full Catastrophe Living” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Coping with Stress there are 2 options - responding vs reacting. Fight/flight leads us to a hyperarousal state. I am paraphrasing here but when we were cave people we’d run from the threat/exercise vigorously to get away from danger. Now instead we internalize stress because we have to sit in boardrooms/be professional/simply survive in the modern world. Instead of being able to sprint across a field, scream and yell, fight like a cave person (again I am paraphrasing!) we must inhibit our own stress reaction which leads to chronic hyperarousal. This can lead to maladaptive coping/self-destructive behaviors like substance dependency → exhaustion/depression/genetic predispositions/illness.

• Another book recommendation: “Altered Traits” by Coleman and Davidson. Compassion can be cultivated.

• Think of a time when you were really stressed/revved up/upset. What are the responses in your body when you are in fight/flight/freeze? What behaviors/feelings/body sensations did you have? (Mindfulness practice helps you become aware of these sensations early in the game. For example if your throat closes/chest feels heavy/or stomach turns over, you can notice these tell-tale signs early on and do a quick mindful activity in the moment. When Meghan notices her throat closing she stops herself, focus on her hand rubbing her anterior thigh - it brings her to her breath/to the present/stops the stress response. Simply knowing what happens in your body when you are stressed and recognizing these sensations early can help you get through them - you can stop yourself, take a breath, turn to the present moment, etc. Often we do not even realize the physical manifestations of stress in our own bodies until it is too late - ie we are sick, completely wrecked with exhaustion, have a breakdown of some kind.

• There is a freaking TON of science behind mindfulness (piles and piles of massive studies) that show mindfulness/meditation reduces anxiety/depression, strengthens attention and working memory, increases compassion, can help chronic pain, improves health and quality of life. This is not woo-woo hocus pocus. (ha that's my commentary!)

• Major time commitment work: MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) Systematic, patient-centered educational approach which uses intensive training in mindfulness meditation as the core of a program to teach people how to take better care of themselves and live healthier and more adaptive lives (Interactive, group-based course, eight 2.5 hour weekly sessions and one 7-hour day of silence, daily meditation practice 45-60 minutes) As you can see this is a big undertaking.

• Also a lot of “wide path” options that are daily apps and much less time. Bigger benefit seen with more time. Example - 45 min a day better than 30 min, better than 15 min which is better than 3 min a day, but do what you can do! I am again paraphrasing here but as the saying goes, “change your mind, change your life.”

• Developing a Personal Practice: Recommended apps: Headspace, Healthyminds program, Waking Up, Ten Percent Happier, Insight timer. There are a lot of good ones. Some apps are free (Healthyminds program) and others have a fee (Waking up, Headspace)

• Side note, Meghan recommends doing a "body scan" to help you go to sleep or back to sleep. Examples can be found on many of these apps.

Menopause Night
With Drs. Nell Johnson and Mary Claire O’Brien

December 2022

This physician duo was one of the best nights yet. We gathered to hear Dr. Nell Johnson, OBGYN, discuss all-things menopause from a Western medicine approach. She tackled this wildly complicated part of a woman’s life and discussed symptoms of perimenopause and menopause, hormone and non-hormonal treatments, alternative medicines, vaginal estrogen, vaginal physical therapy, appropriate vaginal care, recurrent UTIs, libido and sex, mood and sleep disturbances, and bone health as these all relate to menopause. Next Dr. Mary Claire O’Brien discussed a very different range of topics including the shame and embarrassment that so wrongly shroud a girl's period, feminine hygiene product taxes and lack of access that impact girls' education, the psychological transition of menopause, and had so many inspirational words for us about motherhood, womanhood, and aging.

Unlike past events these wonderful women were interviewed on the Wonder Podcast if you are interested in hearing their words. Enjoy!

The emotionally exhausted woman

October 2022

Our reflections that evening…..

• The “perfect woman” according to society’s expectations is effortless, ever-available, compliant, helpful, selfless, a master people-pleaser, a “behind the scenes problem-solving ninja who needs no credit”, adventurous yet meek, entertaining, sexy, skinny, a 1950s housewife. (this sounds ridiculously exhausting)

• According to society/the soup we were raised in - we are NOT to be demanding, a nag, “a lot”, too competitive, controlling, opinionated, angry, crazy, whiny, needy. “Being needy makes us weak.”

• We have trouble saying “no” and leaving it at that - we need to move to a place where don’t feel we have to explain our “no”

• It’s refreshing to hear when a woman says “that wasn’t right for our family” and leaves it at that. No need to over-explain every decision. 

• Mary Beth Terry mentioned her group's great tennis analogy for a decision/discussion (i.e. say something and then move on, don’t keep thinking about it/worry about it/let it bother you) - if you lob a ball across the net, it is out of your court and no longer your problem. Unless the ball gets lobbed back at you, let it stay in someone else’s court. Don’t worry about it unless it gets hit back to you!

• Rains mentioned a Quaker concept of something called a “Clearness Committee” - it is a group of close friends who get together with the intention of helping a member of the group with a decision/dilemma. It is far from a normal conversation - the group asks open-ended, non-leading questions with the goal not of providing advice but instead of guiding the person to answers they themselves already have within them but are struggling to find.  Look it up - sounds very cool.

• We need to find our voice in times of calm - instead of this only happening in times of crisis or trauma. Women sure are great in crisis or trauma.

• Most of us do not get much quiet. Quiet time alone with ourselves is so important.

• Many of these “perfect” and “imperfect woman” descriptions are self-inflicted. Many reported their partners do not feel this way and instead these feelings/expectations are ingrained in us by society/our upbringing. Much of the time we set these expectations for ourselves!

• We are caught in a place of needing help and being exhausted when we do everything and yet simultaneously wanting to "be everything for our family" - a Catch 22. Do you really need to do it all? Is there room to delegate so you don't lose your marbles?

• It is not ok to put ourselves first

• Consider this - it is really none of your business what other people think of you. Stop worrying about it. 

• As we are aging, we are less and less concerned with what others think. We are less inclined to come off as "likeable" as compared to our younger selves.

• We need to speak our truth and have “compassionate candor” for the other person, but stick to our truth. 

• We can hear 29 positive things about us/our patient care/our job performance/or from our family members and 1 negative thing, and yet we perseverate on the negative. We need to really absorb all the positives! 

• We need to own our wants. First action is becoming aware of them. Over the next few weeks, ask yourself if you are doing things because you think you “should” or because you really want to!  We need to live more in “want.”

• Partners often ask wives, “How can I help you?” which implies the job of child-rearing lies squarely on the mother’s shoulders. 

• The mental load of life is held by women. Research has proven this time after time - whether she works full time or stays at home, she carries the emotional toll, the matrix of the schedule, the worry about all generations of the family, and remains the multi-tasking magician "being everything to everyone".This takes a toll and we absolutely must practice some of the "self-caring" ideas the author describes - 

• Move from “Should” to “Want” 

• Tell the truth - without apologizing or bending and twisting, let the other person have their own experience and stop worrying about what they may feel regarding our truth

• We need to welcome the whole “catastrophe of ourselves” God I love that expression! Do not pick and choose the parts of you that are welcome. We are who we are and need to love and accept all of ourselves!

Parenting and The enneagram with Julie Smith

March, April, May 2022

This was a wonderful three-part series hosted by Julie Smith, Enneagram teacher among other things including being the current Head of School of Salem Montessori and former Director of Lower School for Summit School here in Winston. We divided into groups by Enneagram type and discussed the strengths and challenges of our types when it comes to parenting. (Side note - I could have talked to the 2s all night, but it was equally interesting hearing from the different types about their unique parenting experiences.)

“SCIENCE DENIAL NIGHT: Why the facts don’t seem to matter” - speaker Dr. Adrian Bardon, Prof of philosophy at wfu and author of “the truth about science denial”

Nov 2021

This was a fantastic talk by Dr. Adrian Bardon, Prof of Philosophy at WFU and author of “The Truth About Science Denial: Bias and Self-Deception in Science, Politics, and Religion.” Among a host of topics Dr. Bardon covered how politics radically shapes Americans views of COVID, COVID vaccines and science in general. We were all stuffed inside a cold tent due to COVID but the topic could not have been more interesting.

Covid “what the %** just happened” night

Sept 2021

This was our very first evening together “after” the COVID pandemic. And as I write this, the pandemic is not even remotely over. After this evening I found myself overwhelmed by the beauty of this group, the support we show for each other, and incredibly reflective of the heaviness of all that we have been through. There is no ideal recap of an evening where we shared the many challenges of the last 18 months, but here are some overarching themes...

We are .....

weary
exhausted
spent
tired of uncertainty
without reserve
running on fumes
frustrated
overwhelmed
tired of everything being so damn hard
exasperated that there are no more collective "finish lines" on the horizon (ie vaccines for the country, etc)
annoyed annoyed annoyed
lacking in compassion for those who believe different "facts"
no longer curious about those who believe differently
angry angry angry
without patience
worried about our kids
struggling with ongoing pandemic parenting
struggling with teenagers in a pandemic
without our usual bounce back/humor/resiliency
living with spouses that often feel more like roommates
low on libido
low on quality time with partners
low on date nights/travel as a couple
uncertain about all kinds of relationship navigation - friends, family, kids
uncertain about new social norms - a simple hug requires a cluster of thoughts
feeling different than who we were 18 months ago uncertain about how we are different but knowing we are different

And yet.......

We have made it this far
We were prepared for this. Yes we really were. Look at us.
We are incredibly resilient
There is no stopping us
Pivoting is our jam
We don't set too high expectations anymore
We have grown and changed and have learned so much about ourselves
We are more intentional with our time
We know better how fleeting life is
We value our quality family time more
We know our kids are not fragile - repeat - Our kids are not fragile
We are not alone in this
We are so blessed
We are so grateful
Our lives are overflowing with joy and love

“Enneagram Nights with Chris Copeland & Julie smith”

February 2020 with Dr. Chris Copeland

This was our second incredible evening with Dr. Chris Copeland. He hosted two panel discussions and we also had time divided into our specific Enneagram number groups. He took us deeper on our journeys with this life-changing tool.

If you are interested in learning more:

Chris had us read the following book (very short and sweet) - The Essential Enneagram - book is $7.99 on Amazon and Chris recommends everyone read it to establish your Enneagram Type.

Click for Chris's podcast. This is a fantastic way to learn more about the topic.

The Wisdom of the Enneagram - wonderful book on the Enneagram

Heart of the Enneagram - this is a book written by Chris

December 2019 with Julie Smith

Julie is the current head of school of Salem Montessori and former Director of Lower School for Summit School here in Winston. She’s spent decades educating both students and parents and we were fortunate enough for her to take us deeper into the Enneagram as we reviewed our “instinctual subtypes.” This was a wonderful evening and we can’t wait to have her back in April, 2020 for a couples night!

Fall 2019 with Dr. Chris Copeland

This was an incredible evening attended by 105 women. The Enneagram is a powerful tool that can help us recognize the habits and patterns of our personalities, which are deeply rooted in illusions we carry about ourselves and the world. Chris Copeland was absolutely fantastic. He is the Director of Leadership Development and Spiritual Life, and Assistant Professor of the Practice of Spirituality at Wake Forest School of Divinity. He is an ordained Baptist minister, spiritual director, and certified Enneagram teacher through the Narrative Enneagram where he serves as an adjunct faculty. For the past 25 years, Chris has been learning and teaching about the Enneagram. Chris gave us Enneagram basics and then we divided into small groups by types. The evening wrapped with a large group discussion and presentations by all the types. There was so much support and excitement around this topic that we are planning an Enneagram series - next evenings are scheduled for Dec 4, 2019 and Feb 12, 2020.

“Finding balance” with Dr. Julie wayne

Fall 2019

This was a wonderful evening with Dr. Julie Wayne who is a professor at the WFU School of Business. She's won international awards for her work-family research. Click here for Dr. Wayne’s bio. She shared unique takeaways on defining, redefining and eventually finding this elusive idea of “balance.” We discussed practical steps to help guide us including “stakeholder interviews” (Have you ever asked your partner or your children what means the most to them? What are their favorite things you do with them? Are there things that you stress out about that actually don’t matter to them? Start with interviewing the people in your personal life! Get some feedback like you do at work.) She covered other practical tips to help us be present in this over-connected world. And have you ever considered what you want to be said at your eulogy? She had us starting with the end in mind and going backwards instead of the other way around. Dr. Wayne is such a blessing to have in the midst of our WFU community!

“UNTRUE”

Winter 2019

120 women attended to hear Wednesday Martin, #1 New York Times best-selling author of the book, Untrue, presented at our gathering in January of 2019. This book is on Oprah's Favorite Book List for 2018. Wednesday’s talk explored the latest research on female sexuality, libido, and infidelity. She took us on an edge-of-your seat anthropologic journey through how our ancestors evolved and how the research debunks much of what we have been taught about female sexuality. Wednesday was phenomenal - definitely off the chain hilarious and engaging but also unassuming, grounded, and certainly a breath of fresh air.  She pushed the majority of us into unfamiliar territory. On February 26, 2019 we held an “Untrue Debriefing Session” where we continued the discussion.

“Self-care for superwoman”

Fall 2018

Evening with a wonderful guest speaker, Rebecca Fallon. Rebecca is a Clinical and Health Psychologist and Master of Health and Wellness coach who has worked with healthcare providers for over 15 years.  She is a nationally recognized speaker and has developed a niche in presenting to high-powered professional women about their unique resilience challenges, and how simple strategies can combat burnout and dispel "the myth of the balanced life."  She spoke about why working women are ambivalent about their success, why we experience the tug between work and home differently than men do, and she touched on the issue of lack of good mentorship for women. 

To summarize the evening: Rebecca was authentic, vulnerable, inspiring, genuine, and empowering - all at the same time. Yes that’s a lot of superlatives but she earned every one of them. 95 women were on the edge of their seats and she received rave reviews.

Click her for bio of Rebecca Fallon

“Dear Madame president” book club and discussion

Spring 2018

Click here for Wonderwomen notes

Click here for Discussion Questions

“womens’ night: Sexual HARASSMENT and assault”

Spring 2018

Bullet point summary of our discussions:
~ Women have made a lot of progress as a group but there is certainly room for improvement.
~ We are worried about raising both sons and daughters during these times.  Even in 2018 there is still a societal focus on looks/cuteness/prettiness in girls. African American women are concerned about their sons being treated differently in so many ways - especially in the eyes of the law and particularly when they are seen with/dating white women.
~ Sexual harassment is usually about power. Women of color are at particularly high risk as they are seen by some as inferior to white women.
~  We had women from Syria, Cuba, Mexico, India, among others nations- there are vast differences in these issues in various cultures.
~ Microaggressions do matter and the more we call them out, the more likely they will stop. At times older generation men (and others) do not know they are committing harassment. We discussed that it's all about “how it makes someone feel”. Sexual harassment means very different things to different people. Flirting in a bar makes many people feel good and can be part of the spice of life.  Getting called "sweetheart" during rounds with a hand placed on your low back can feel humiliating.
~ There were a few side conversations about sexual abuse - and the main point was that it is imperative that the victim be believed. There are many strong survivors of abuse and rape who you’d never imagine have experienced this. 
~ Regarding rape, sexual assault and abuse, there was consensus that “the more you talk about it, the less it matters.” Most agree it is better not to suppress this stuff. (And no, it wasn’t your fault.)
~ Concern was voiced that #MeToo has gone too far while others felt perhaps not far enough. Most agreed that it is much easier to talk about these issues thanks to #MeToo- less shame for the victim, less "reputation protecting" by the victim by keeping quiet. But many women still remain silent after sexual assault and rape.

There are so many interesting Ted Talks on these issues. This one has really stayed with me. (In Spanish with English subtitles.)

Why Women Stay Silent After Sexual Assault

Finally from our anonymous survey regarding everyone's personal experience, here are the results (FYI the denominator was wrong when I announced these last night so the percentages were even higher than we thought...)

"Yes" responses from our group -

Sexual harassment - 55%
Sexual assault - 28%
Rape - 17%
Verbal Abuse - 75%
Sexual Abuse - 17%

These figures are not small. And studies show that if this group included 1) only women of color, or 2) less educated women, or 3) only women with a low socioeconomic status, that these numbers would be even higher.

Diversity & Inclusion Night

Fall 2017

Diversity & Inclusion Discussion Questions

The evening included small group discussions followed by a large group session where Professor Beth Hopkins gave a presentation that outlined the chronology of the race issue in the United States as sanctioned by the Supreme Court beginning with the Dred Scott (1857) case. The brief lecture addressed housing discrimination, voting rights restrictions, race and the struggle for education in American schools, and the reasons for the current status of race relations in our country.  

“What it means to be female”

Srping 2017

Discussion questions:

1. What was it like for you growing up as a girl?  Were you treated any differently than your brothers/male cousins?
2. What is different in your culture about being a woman?
3. What gender inequalities do you see in your life today? What can we do to change these?
4. Are you raising your daughters differently than you were raised? (or teaching your boys about gender equality?)

If you have 15 minutes this speech is worth it...

Emma Watson's at the HeforShe Campaign 2014 

If you have 30 min to listen:

"We Should All be Feminists" Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie TedTalk

“How to keep your love life alive: what every doctor needs to know”

Fall 2016

This was a lecture sponsored by the Forsyth County Medical Society that our group helped corrdinate and many attended. The speaker was Laurie J. Watson, LMFT, LPC, Certified Sex Therapist and author of “Wanting Sex Again.” In advance many of us also read “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. In 2018 Esther Perel also had a new release, “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” which I recommend (in her words) for anyone who has ever loved.

Here is a great Ted Talk by Ester Perel that is a nice summary of “The State of Affairs” She is spectacular. Wish we could afford to have her as a speaker! :)

Bio of Laurie J. Watson, LMFT, LPC

“From training to retirement: lessons learned from thriving medical families”

Fall 2013

This was a fantastic talk by Dr. Wayne Sotile and Mary Sotile and was hosted by the Forsyth/Stokes/Davie County Medical Society. Attendees included physicians and non-physician spouses are encouraged to attend given the topic. The presenters were highly entertaining to say the least and the talk was full of evidence based facts regarding medical families - and how to find balance/peace/comfort/resilience in your life and the lives of your spouse and children. Thanks to the Med Society, physicians earned 1.5 hrs of CME credit. Thanks to the Forsyth/Stokes/Davie County Medical Society and The Department of Emergency Medicine at Wake Forest Baptist Health for sponsoring this event. Many women from our group attended.

“The medical marriage”

Fall 2011

This was an incredible lecture given by Dr. Mary Claire O’Brien, an Emergency Medicine physician at Wake Forest Baptist Health who is so many things including a trusted mentor for so many. The evening was hosted by the Forsyth/Stokes/Davie County Medical Society and organized by our Women Physicians section. This is one of the rare evenings where our group actually allowed their spouses to join them. :) With her sarcasm and dry wit, Dr. O’Brien discussed the many issues involved in a two-physician marriage and gave us advice regarding everything from child-rearing and date nights to the epic necessity of continued open and honest communication with one’s spouse.